{"id":24,"date":"2018-03-17T20:00:34","date_gmt":"2018-03-18T00:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/?page_id=24"},"modified":"2018-03-21T01:21:14","modified_gmt":"2018-03-21T05:21:14","slug":"anecdotes-from-medical-practice","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/anecdotes-from-medical-practice\/","title":{"rendered":"Anecdotes from Medical Practice"},"content":{"rendered":"

FORWARD
\n<\/strong><\/span>These are stories from the memories of physicians in practice.\u00a0 Most are humorous patient related stories but some are told to make a learned point.\u00a0 This e-book is part of a sabbatical entitled, \u201cWisdom of the Ageds\u201d (experienced Family Physicians).\u00a0 Over 100 board-certified Family Physicians from almost every area of the United States were interviewed using a targeted, convenience sampling technique.\u00a0 These physicians were asked a series of questions with this book dealing with only one of those questions.\u00a0 The physicians were asked simply to relate a humorous patient related story.<\/p>\n

Medicine is a very humbling and serious undertaking, and it is important to be able to laugh with patients and at ourselves.\u00a0 This helps keep a physician firmly rooted in the reality of life.\u00a0 The vast majority of physicians interviewed had 15 to 25 years in medical practice, and a few over 50 years. Interestingly enough, most of the physicians went back to their training days for a humorous story.\u00a0 This may be because time has a way of taking the sting off an experience and allowing us to see the humor in it.\u00a0 It may be that trainees are allowed to make mistakes and experienced physicians are not supposed to make mistakes.\u00a0 It could be that, as trainees, each experience is new but with practice, the highs and lows tend to become more flattened.\u00a0 As time goes by, \u201cthere is nothing new under the sun\u201d.\u00a0 This book is an attempt to bring some humor into the reader\u2019s day and to remind everyone that we are all fallible.\u00a0 Perhaps these experiences will remind the reader of similar occurrences in their own life and practice.<\/p>\n

The author has attempted to replicate these stories exactly as he heard them.\u00a0 I may have missed some minor or major points of the story or misinterpreted phrases.\u00a0 If these stories aren\u2019t exactly as the storyteller remembers telling them or living them, I apologize profusely.\u00a0 Every attempt was made to be accurate in relating these stories.<\/p>\n

-Rick Ricer, MD\u00a0 2003<\/p>\n

———————————————————–<\/p>\n

SECTION LINKS<\/strong><\/span>
\nCommunications<\/a>
\nAssumptions<\/a>
\nProcedures<\/a>
\nPelvic Exams<\/a>
\nRural Practice<\/a>
\nAfter Hours Calls<\/a>
\nErrors<\/a>
\nPregnancy<\/a>
\nKids Do and Say the Darndest Things<\/a>
\nLessons Learned From Patients<\/a>
\nWild Kingdom<\/a>
\nStoics<\/a>
\nMiscellaneous<\/a>
\nAdd your own Anecdote<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

———————————————————-
\n<\/a>
\nCOMMUNICATIONS<\/span><\/strong>
\n\u2022 In preparing to examine the lungs of a middle aged woman, the doctor said, \u201cbig breaths\u201d.\u00a0 As the doctor tried to listen to the lungs, he could hear the lady talking through his stethoscope.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t seem to stop talking, and he couldn\u2019t hear well.\u00a0 He removed his stethoscope and caught the last few words she was speaking.\u00a0 She was explaining that her breasts weren\u2019t this big before, but after childbirth and gaining some weight, her breasts had enlarged.\u00a0 The doctor stated, \u201cno, I said big breaths, not big breasts\u201d.\u00a0 The patient laughed about this for the next five minutes.\u00a0 People don\u2019t always hear what we think we say.
\n\u2022 One patient of mine always brought a cartoon in to the office as a description of his chief complaint.\u00a0 It sometimes took days for him to find the right cartoon.
\n\u2022 I was at a big company banquet and got paged by a male friend who asked for antibiotics.\u00a0 He was hesitant to explain why he wanted antibiotics.\u00a0 Finally he admitted that his wife recently got a new partial dental plate and got a little rough while \u201cdoing some good\u201d.\u00a0 He had some abrasions on his penis and he didn\u2019t want an infection to set in.
\n\u2022 I was seeing a middle-aged deaf patient who had the symptoms of a urinary tract infection.\u00a0 I was trying to determine why she would get her first UTI at this age.\u00a0 Our communication was hampered by my poor understanding of sign language, so she reverted to hand signals I might understand.\u00a0 It seems that she had used a rather large dildo for the first time.\u00a0 I had discovered, in a rather graphic way, the cause of this UTI.
\n\u2022 An elderly, widowed man was wheeled into an examination room by his daughter.\u00a0 He had heart disease and lung disease leaving him disabled but still mentally intact.\u00a0 He stated that he was watching television and an ad suggested that he ask his doctor about Viagra\u00ae.\u00a0 I saw the shocked look on his daughter\u2019s face and she quickly shook her head no behind his back.\u00a0 When I asked him about the ad, it was apparent that the ad didn\u2019t say what the medication was for and he had never heard of it.\u00a0 I discretely told him that the medication would not be right for him, much to the visible relief of his daughter.
\n\u2022 An older lady came to the office to get a refill on her Premarin\u00ae.\u00a0 She stated, \u201cDoctor, I really need my Premarin\u00ae.\u00a0 My husband isn\u2019t as stupid when I take my Premarin\u00ae.
\n\u2022 My patient was a curmudgeon of a man.\u00a0 He was an ex-police officer and World War II vet who was mad at the world.\u00a0 I could never get him to warm up or open up.\u00a0 He cursed and complained through every visit.\u00a0 One day I became a patient when I had appendicitis.\u00a0 I awoke in the recovery room and there was this same patient in the next bed.\u00a0 He smiled and cheerfully called out, \u201cHi doc, how are you feeling?\u201d\u00a0 Our relationship was much more open and friendly after that.
\n\u2022 I was working in an indigent clinic and cared for a man over a long period of time.\u00a0 I helped arrange medications, did procedures on him, arranged specialist visits, and did lab work.\u00a0 This took a lot of time and effort.\u00a0 Then came a time when he didn\u2019t come in to the clinic for several months.\u00a0 I saw him one day in the hallway and he called out to me in a loud voice, \u201cHi doc.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been in to see you because I\u2019ve got insurance now and can see a real doctor\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was delivering babies during my residency in a hospital that had a large percentage of patients with English as a second (or third) language.\u00a0 I frequently asked the patients if they felt warm.\u00a0 I often wondered why they got a funny smile on their faces when I asked them.\u00a0 Finally, a kind patient took pity on my cultural ignorance and explained that there are several terms for \u201chot\u201d and the one I was using had a sexual meaning.\u00a0 She then gave me the right words to use.
\n\u2022 I had a patient who had severe atherosclerotic disease and had already gone through coronary artery bypass grafting.\u00a0 He refused to believe smoking, cholesterol, or life style issues had anything to do with his problem, but had read somewhere that inflammation could contribute to this.\u00a0 He reasoned that the inflammation would be from bacteria, and bacteria would probably come from the mouth.\u00a0 He asked if he should have all his teeth removed.\u00a0 I told him no, but he did it anyway.\u00a0 He then developed severe inflammation from the dentures rubbing on his gums.
\n\u2022 I named my son Max.\u00a0 When I got back from maternity leave, I shared his story with most of my patients.\u00a0 One of my patients was mentally retarded and asked if I had named him after the train.\u00a0 The light rail system in Oregon was named MAX.
\n\u2022 I had a hypochondriacal patient who loved coming to the office.\u00a0 She would arrive hours early to socialize with everyone at the front desk and in the waiting room.\u00a0 She always complained of dizziness and nothing ever helped her symptoms.\u00a0 By mistake, we discovered that blowing in her ear relieved her symptoms and it was the only way we could get her out of the office.\u00a0 We even had a special instrument made, just for her.
\n\u2022 I was seeing an elderly widow and her chief complaint was \u201ca quiver in my quiver\u201d.\u00a0 I had no idea what she meant.\u00a0 She elaborated by telling me about a problem \u201cdown there\u201d.\u00a0 She had the symptoms of atrophic vaginitis, but the topic was too \u201cdelicate\u201d to discuss with this young doctor.
\n\u2022 I was treating a very polite, proper elder lady who had dysphasia after a stroke.\u00a0 She would greet me by saying, \u201cgood morning d . . d . . donkey\u201d.
\n\u2022 A teenage patient presented to the office with bruises.\u00a0 She claimed to have gotten these wrestling with her younger brother.\u00a0 Her brother adamantly denied this since the father was very angry with him.\u00a0 After I spoke to the patient without any family members present, she confided that she got the bruises having roughneck sex in the back of her father\u2019s Ford.
\n\u2022 I was seeing a very gorgeous young woman.\u00a0 At the end of the history, I told her that I would step out so she could undress and then I would examine her.\u00a0 When I stepped back into the room, she was totally naked, sitting on the examination table.
\n\u2022 A patient\u2019s wife called and left a message that her husband wouldn\u2019t be in for his appointment because he shot himself in the head.\u00a0 I was panicked when I got the message and called the hospital to see if he had been brought in and if he was stable.\u00a0 It turned out that he had shot himself over a month ago and was in the ICU.\u00a0 No one had informed me.
\n\u2022 As a medical student at the VA, I cared for a patient who was admitted to lose weight.\u00a0 He was a baker and a smoker and weighed over 400 pounds.\u00a0 I examined him daily and got to know him well.\u00a0 A few months later, I met him on the elevator.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t seen him in several weeks and he had gotten his jaws wired shut.\u00a0 He smiled at me and said, \u201ccheck my panus now\u201d.\u00a0 With his jaws wired shut it sounded to everyone in the elevator like he said, \u201ccheck my penis now\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was seeing a young male with a sexually transmitted disease.\u00a0 I gave him a sheet and told him to take off his pants and drape himself.\u00a0 When I came back into the room, he was standing by the table with his penis on the table and the only thing draped was his penis.
\n\u2022 I told my patient he needed his cholesterol or \u201coil\u201d checked.\u00a0 He asked me where the dipstick was.
\n\u2022 Another patient had heard about \u201cgood cholesterol\u201d and asked me where he could buy some.
\n\u2022 I had a patient who teasingly called all the nurses \u201cbig butt\u201d.\u00a0 No one really took him seriously since he was mentally retarded.\u00a0 I had a new nurse working for me one day when he came to the office.\u00a0 It turned out that she was very self-conscious about her weight and body image. She was extremely upset with this patient.
\n\u2022 I was about to see a new elderly patient when my nurse warned me that she was a little gruff.\u00a0 I entered the room and introduced myself when she said, \u201cI don\u2019t care much for doctors.\u201d\u00a0 I responded, \u201cThat\u2019s OK, I don\u2019t care much for patients.\u201d\u00a0 She roared with laughter and we had a great relationship from then on.
\n\u2022 As an intern, I was explicitly explaining to a patient about the physical exam I needed to do including a rectal exam.\u00a0 He smiled at me and said, \u201cHoney, I have AIDS.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing you could stick up there that could surprise me.\u201d
\n\u2022 A patient presented to the office complaining of \u201cscabs\u201d.\u00a0 She had multiple scratch marks and pinpoint dots above her public area.\u00a0 As the doctor observed one of these \u201cscabs\u201d, it moved.\u00a0 She had pubic lice.
\n\u2022 I had a very demanding patient who was very obnoxious to my staff.\u00a0 She was unresponsive when I discussed common courtesy to my staff.\u00a0 Then, opposite to my usual meek self, I yelled at the patient and told her to find another doctor.\u00a0 She became very apologetic and was never again mean to me or my staff.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t teach us that in medical school.
\n\u2022 A teenage mom who often tried to use words that were somewhat beyond her understanding brought her 4 month-old child in with a cold.\u00a0 The baby\u2019s nose was very congested.\u00a0 The mom told me that she had tried wiping his nose, cuddling him, using saline drops, and using a bulb syringe.\u00a0 When that didn\u2019t work, she stated that she \u201cvaporized\u201d him.
\n<\/a>
\nASSUMPTIONS<\/span><\/strong>
\n\u2022 While eating lunch in the \u201cpreceptor\u2019s room\u201d, a doctor noticed a patient placed in the room directly across the hall.\u00a0 When the patient was alone, she began seizing.\u00a0 The doctor quickly ran across the hall and was beginning to administer aid when the patient shrieked, \u201cdon\u2019t touch me\u201d.\u00a0 She continued to jerk while she spoke.\u00a0 The patient was in no respiratory distress and appeared perfectly awake.\u00a0 The physician said, \u201cOK\u201d and stepped back over her to return to the preceptor room.\u00a0 He finished his lunch while watching the patient \u201cseize\u201d.\u00a0 Her regular doctor then went in to see her.\u00a0 Her regular doctor explained that this patient had multiple mental health problems and had documented pseudo-seizures.\u00a0 Still, it was a strange and memorable lunch.
\n\u2022 In the early days of my career,\u00a0 I inherited many patients from an older doctor who was dying of cancer.\u00a0 Among those patients were several who were used to receiving house calls, some weekly.\u00a0 One patient was seen weekly at home.\u00a0 This was a very needy patient with the same complaints every week.\u00a0 In fact, she stated weekly that she thought she would die the day before the visit.\u00a0 This patient was seen weekly for 9 years (303 visits) and always thought she was going to die.\u00a0 One day I saw her name in the obituary column.\u00a0 The day after our usual home visit, I received a call from her asking why I didn\u2019t come see her.\u00a0 The name in the obituary column was another person with the same name.\u00a0 This lady lived to be 93.
\n\u2022 I was called to a ranch for \u201ctroubled kids\u201d.\u00a0 One of the 16 year olds had an earache.\u00a0 As I started to look in his ear, he covered the opposite ear.\u00a0 When I asked why he did this, he stated that that was to block the light from coming out the other ear.\u00a0 He was very serious.\u00a0 He was told this as a child and always assumed it was correct information.
\n\u2022 I was caring for a patient in the CCU who kept everyone at rapt attention with his adventure stories.\u00a0 He worked with Jacques Cousteau and told riveting stories of their undersea adventures.\u00a0 It turned out he had Munchausen\u2019s syndrome.
\n\u2022 I was working on a research unit and using all of the new hypertensive medications.\u00a0 There was one patient who had high blood pressure that no medication helped control.\u00a0 After talking to him for a long time, he stated that he didn\u2019t like being treated like a \u201cguinea pig\u201d, so he never took any of his medications.
\n\u2022 As a medical student, I was working in the volunteer free clinic when I was attempting to educate a female patient.\u00a0 She had stated that she was sexually active but was not using any birth control.\u00a0 I asked if she wanted to become pregnant and she responded that that would be a terrible thing.\u00a0 I asked her, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with this picture?\u201d\u00a0 Her response was, \u201cnothing, I\u2019m a lesbian\u201d.
\n\u2022 I had a very bright female patient who originally was from another country where she had been tortured for her political views.\u00a0 She had moved to this country and had been \u201cAmericanized\u201d.\u00a0 One day she came in totally veiled.\u00a0 Trying to be culturally sensitive, I discretely asked her what had made her change her mind.\u00a0 She said that she had tried to dye her hair red and the result was a mess.\u00a0 She would wear the veil until it could be fixed.
\n\u2022 I was seeing a new patient who was sitting in the examination room holding his temples.\u00a0 He said, \u201cExcuse me, I just had a seizure\u201d.\u00a0 I assumed he was bizarre or unbalanced.\u00a0 My nurse informed me that he had a history of a brain tumor.\u00a0 It turns out that his seizures were real.\u00a0 Beware of your assumptions.
\n\u2022 One of my patients was a devout motorcycle rider who had chronic hepatitis.\u00a0 He wanted me to leave my practice and come with him on all the motorcycle tours to take care of his hepatitis and keep him as healthy as possible.\u00a0 He was very upset when I wouldn\u2019t leave my practice.
\n\u2022 I was doing sick call at a military school when I saw two large football players in the waiting room.\u00a0 As I entered, they both came to attention.\u00a0 The larger male told the other to sit down, he was going first.\u00a0 As I protested, he said, \u201cHe\u2019s only bleeding from his bowels. I\u2019ve got the real emergency, I\u2019ve got crabs.\u201d
\n\u2022 I was examining a young female whose cleavage was totally filled with talcum powder.\u00a0 She was otherwise dressed very well and seemed to be from a high-class background.\u00a0 When I asked her why she used so much powder, she replied, \u201cI didn\u2019t want to smell like a working person.\u201d
\n\u2022 My wife was pregnant during my residency.\u00a0 She complained of abdominal pain, but when I examined her, I found nothing.\u00a0 Later, she complained of side pain.\u00a0 Worried about appendicitis, I took her to our family doctor, who referred her to an obstetrician, who referred her to a surgeon.\u00a0 Hours after her initial complaint, she finally was taken to the operating room.\u00a0 About a year later, I began having similar pains.\u00a0 I went directly to a surgeon and was in the operating room very quickly.\u00a0 My wife noted that when the patient was me, things moved a lot more quickly.
\n<\/a>
\nPROCEDURES<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 I give patients a benzodiazepine before doing a flexible sigmoidoscopy.\u00a0 It relaxes them well, but sometimes too well.\u00a0 I had inserted the scope into a lady\u2019s rectum when she began moaning and saying, \u201cOh, Fred\u201d.
\n\u2022 My first rotation as a student was on general surgery.\u00a0 Our patient had a volvulus.\u00a0 The chief resident performed a rigid sigmoidoscopy to reduce it but had to dodge the gas released from the volvulus.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t help that the chief resident was a dead ringer for Bud Abbott.
\n\u2022 I was attempting to do a colposcopy on an MR\/DD nonverbal patient who had an abnormal PAP.\u00a0 I inserted the speculum and she produced a large stool that popped the speculum out and filled the bowl.\u00a0 Each time I inserted the speculum, the same thing happened.\u00a0 After about half an hour, I decided to quit.\u00a0 It seemed that the speculum was a great enema.
\n\u2022 As I was doing a vasectomy, the patient fell asleep.\u00a0 I thought that my technique must be superb if he could sleep through it.\u00a0 His wife deflated my ego when she mentioned that they had been up all night having sex in case they could never do it again after the surgery.
\n\u2022 A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy brought a magazine to read while waiting for the procedure.\u00a0 The title of the article he was reading was, \u201cEnough to Make a Man Cry\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was precepting a resident who had never fitted a diaphragm.\u00a0 I showed him the rings and went through the procedure with him.\u00a0 He then went back in the room to fit the patient.\u00a0 He used too much jelly and as he was trying to place the bent ring, it sprang out of his hand and stuck to the ceiling.\u00a0 He said, \u201cOK, that\u2019s how not to do it\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was doing a vasectomy on one of my farmer patients and had one side completed when he asked if this would affect his fertility.\u00a0 I stopped immediately and tried to determine if he knew that this procedure was to stop any more children.\u00a0 I asked him exactly what he meant.\u00a0 He answered that he was an artificial inseminator of cows and wondered if this procedure would affect him doing his job.
\n\u2022 A man came in for his vasectomy with a big smile and his hands held behind his back.\u00a0 He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands.\u00a0 He then placed a walnut in either hand.\u00a0 \u201cThere are my nuts for you\u201d he said.
\n<\/a>
\nPELVIC EXAMS<\/span><\/strong>
\n\u2022 A female patient came to my office for a pelvic examination.\u00a0 She stated that her husband insisted she have this exam but wouldn\u2019t tell her why.\u00a0 I discovered a French tickler that was stuck deep in the vagina.
\n\u2022 A female patient was sexually active but didn\u2019t want to become pregnant.\u00a0 A friend suggested half strength bleach after sex as a prophylactic douche.\u00a0 She used this for years.\u00a0 Some time later, she needed a hysterectomy and she interpreted this as needing surgery for her \u201cpickled uterus\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was helping a 3rd year student do a pelvic exam on an exotic dancer.\u00a0 As the student was performing the exam, the patient closed her legs on his head.\u00a0 The student was very embarrassed but the patient thought this was humorous.\u00a0 It did make for a more interesting day.
\n\u2022 I was in the middle of a pelvic exam when the power to the office went out.\u00a0 Although this was embarrassing for both me and my patient, I finished the exam while the nurse held a flashlight.\u00a0 As soon as I had finished, the power came back on.
\n\u2022 I was about to do a pelvic exam on a very prominent but very obese lady.\u00a0 As she scooted to the end of the table, the table tipped up.\u00a0 The nurse dove onto the other end of the table to keep it from tipping over.\u00a0 She changed to another doctor.\u00a0 The other doctor told me that for some reason, she never allowed him to do a pelvic exam.
\n\u2022 I had a female patient who had multiple sexual partners and saw me fairly frequently for vaginal problems.\u00a0 Every time I saw this patient, the KY jelly in the room disappeared.\u00a0 The nurses noticed this and finally put a note in the drawer with the patient\u2019s name on it asking her not to take the KY jelly.\u00a0 She never took it again.
\n\u2022 As a resident, I had been up all night and was very tired.\u00a0 I was doing a pelvic exam and as I inserted the speculum, I said, \u201csay ahh\u201d.
\n\u2022 My patient was a very attractive female who had had multiple partners and divorces.\u00a0 She was in for a sexually transmitted disease exposure, but I could not find her cervix.\u00a0 I asked if she ever had any type of surgery and she said no.\u00a0 I then asked if she had ever had a hysterectomy and she said yes, but don\u2019t tell anyone.\u00a0 She then began to laugh which split the plastic speculum longitudinally down the middle.\u00a0 It is very difficult to get a broken speculum out of a laughing patient when you are laughing too.
\n<\/a>
\nRURAL PRACTICE<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 I was in a rural practice.\u00a0 While working in my garden one day, a neighbor came running to get me.\u00a0 She stated she needed me quickly for a delivery.\u00a0 When we arrived at her house, there was no one there.\u00a0 There was a goat delivering in the barn.\u00a0 Her response was, \u201cyou\u2019re a doctor aren\u2019t you?\u201d
\n\u2022 I had a rural practice and was called in the middle of the night to see a patient who was driving through from New York City and had gotten a facial laceration.\u00a0 The office\u2019s air conditioning was out.\u00a0 Since it was hot and sultry, we left the windows and door open.\u00a0 My office was in the middle of being redone, and the procedure room light was dangling from bare wires.\u00a0 As I sewed the patient up, I noticed him looking at the open door and windows, the bare light, and the flies buzzing
\naround.\u00a0 I began to hum \u201cDueling Banjos\u201d.\u00a0 He must have thought he was in a third world country.
\n\u2022 My patient was the fire chief from a very rural county and he had been injured in a fire.\u00a0 He had used over 8 gallons of Phenergan with codeine over 3 months and could no longer urinate.\u00a0 He came to see me on an urgent basis with a bladder distended to his umbilicus.\u00a0 I could not insert a Foley even using a guide wire.\u00a0 I called a urologist, but he didn\u2019t call back for 6 hours.\u00a0 I was desperate, but our rural office didn\u2019t have the necessary equipment.\u00a0 I finally used a trocar to put in a suprapubic catheter.\u00a0 He saw the urologist the next day and the urologist called me.\u00a0 He was curious about the equipment I had used for the suprapubic cath.\u00a0 The trocar and catheter were from a chest tube kit.
\n\u2022 As a student, I rotated with an older country doctor.\u00a0 He would tell his patients that he and his wife had used that type of birth control and it worked fine.\u00a0 Over the month, I heard him tell patients this about birth control pills, condoms, IUDs, diaphragms, vasectomy and tubal ligation.
\n\u2022 I was called by a male patient who wanted the \u201cmorning after pill\u201d for his girlfriend, but his girlfriend wasn\u2019t a patient of mine nor was she covered by his insurance.\u00a0 I explained this to him.\u00a0 He argued that I should give the pill to him since this was his problem and his sperm causing the problem.
\n\u2022 I was working in a rural ER when a patient came in with a gunshot wound to his head.\u00a0 He had \u201csweet\u201d and \u201csour\u201d tattooed on his nipples and \u201clove\u201d and \u201chate\u201d on his hands.\u00a0 When it was obvious that he was going to die, his family argued in the waiting room as to whether he would go to heaven or hell.\u00a0 I guess opposite choices were part of his life and death.
\n\u2022 I had a patient who had 3 children and was pregnant with her fourth.\u00a0 The family lived on a sheep farm.\u00a0 I was called by the 11 year old son and was told that the baby was coming and it was coming out wrong.\u00a0 I knew that she was breech, so I drove to the farm as fast as I could.\u00a0 When I got there, everyone was in the barn.\u00a0 My patient told me that she needed help delivering a breech lamb and the sheep needed a C-section.\u00a0 I protested, but she said, \u201cIf you can do a human, you can do a sheep\u201d.
\n<\/a>
\nAFTER HOURS CALLS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 In rural practice, I had to get used to getting calls in the middle of the night.\u00a0 One particular patient used to call about trivial matters, so I decided to reverse the pleasure.\u00a0 The next time I was awake in the middle of the night, I would call this patient to \u201ccheck\u201d on them.\u00a0 When I called a few days later, the patient stated, \u201cI\u2019m glad you called doc.\u00a0 I was awake and trying to decide if I should call you or not\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was called at 5:00 AM by a resident in the emergency room, and he gave me a very detailed presentation of my 80 plus year old patient.\u00a0 I asked where he got all his information.\u00a0 His answer was \u201cfrom the patient\u201d.\u00a0 I then asked him if he knew that she thought she was 35 years old and living in another state.
\n\u2022 I was called late in the evening by a mother who had refused pertussis vaccinations for her children.\u00a0 She stated that she had read in the newspaper about a pertussis outbreak and would like to get the vaccines for her children now.
\n\u2022 I was on GYN call as a resident when I was called to see a patient who had an IUD in place and now pelvic inflammatory disease.\u00a0 I was explaining why the IUD should come out and that she would need to be on some other type of birth control.\u00a0 She responded that she was already on birth control pills.\u00a0 I explained that she did not need to be on two types of birth control at the same time.\u00a0 She stated that I didn\u2019t know her boyfriend.\u00a0 He was very potent.
\n\u2022 I was making a house call on a very elderly lady.\u00a0 Her daughter informed me that her mother was upstairs and then she picked up her purse and headed for the door.\u00a0 She mentioned that her mother couldn\u2019t be alone and she needed to get her hair done.\u00a0 I told her that I would leave when I was finished with her mother.\u00a0 She said, \u201cNo, you have to stay until I get back\u201d.\u00a0 I was stuck until the daughter was finished with her errands.
\n\u2022 I was called one evening by a patient who complained of abdominal pains.\u00a0 During the interview, I asked what she had eaten that evening.\u00a0 Her answer was two pounds of raw hamburger.
\n\u2022 My own child had a bronchogenic cyst and would cough and wheeze at night.\u00a0 As I was holding my baby one morning at 3 AM, I received a phone call from a patient.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t identify herself, but told me that her baby couldn\u2019t sleep.\u00a0 I responded with a sarcastic \u201cneither can mine\u201d.\u00a0 The lady hung up and I never did find out who called.
\n\u2022 My wife got a call at 5:05 PM from one of my patients who asked, \u201cIs the Doc home\u201d.\u00a0 My wife responded that I was still at work.\u00a0 The patient became indignant and said, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to lie to me, the office closes at 5:00\u201d.
\n\u2022 I received an early morning phone call from a patient who was too upset to identify himself.\u00a0 He stated that he was awakened with crushing chest pain that felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest.\u00a0 I asked if he had called the squad. He stated that he didn\u2019t want to get them out of bed.\u00a0 He then said that he felt somewhat better and hung up.\u00a0 I got no sleep the rest of the night. I had no idea who had called, only that I had a patient somewhere who was probably having a heart attack.\u00a0 Hours later, I got a call from the ER that a patient of mine had arrived with a heart attack and was doing well.
\n\u2022 I practiced with my wife for 18 years.\u00a0 Patients would call and talk to either doctor as if he or she was the other one.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t seem to recognize a male or female voice.
\n<\/a>
\nERRORS<\/span><\/strong>
\n\u2022 I began my internship on obstetrics.\u00a0 On my first night on call, and caring for patients alone for the very first time, a lady presented in either early labor or \u201cfalse contractions\u201d.\u00a0 I called my attending and he suggested \u201csleeping\u201d her.\u00a0 This is a common treatment method of giving a medication (usually a barbiturate) to relax her and make her sleepy.\u00a0 If she is not in true labor, the contractions will stop.\u00a0 If she is in true labor, the labor will continue.\u00a0 I gave her 15 mg of IV morphine, not realizing how high a dose this was.\u00a0 She did sleep.\u00a0 In fact, when she awoke several hours later, she was complete and ready to push.\u00a0 I did get her into the delivery room and delivered the baby without any complications.\u00a0 After
\nthe delivery, she told everyone how wonderful I was and what a great doctor I was.\u00a0 She stated that she wanted me to deliver her next baby too.\u00a0 She never realized how inexperienced and incompetent I really was.\u00a0 I had given her too much medication, but everything turned out well.\u00a0 Sometimes, it is better to be lucky than good.
\n\u2022 After finishing up a morning session of patients, I went to noon conference.\u00a0 It turned out there was one patient left.\u00a0 She was in for a pelvic exam and was up in the stirrups.\u00a0 The nurse discovered her when she was readying the room for the afternoon\u2019s patients.\u00a0 This poor lady had stayed up in the stirrups the entire lunch hour.
\n\u2022 As a young looking female resident, I was making rounds on my hospitalized patients.\u00a0 One elderly patient asked why I was visiting him.\u00a0 He thought I was a candy striper and refused to believe I was one of the doctors.\u00a0 I don\u2019t get that reaction much anymore.
\n\u2022 For me, the cervix is just at the point where I need to wear my glasses.\u00a0 Many times, I wear my glasses on the top of my head while doing a pelvic exam and then put them back on after the exam has been done.\u00a0 One day my patient looked everywhere for her glasses and never found them.\u00a0 Later I noticed I had glasses on AND a pair on top of my head.\u00a0 I had picked up the wrong pair and put them on.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t fun to get older.
\n\u2022 I had a patient who always brought me gifts and gifts for my children.\u00a0 Even though I protested and specified that I didn\u2019t want her to do this, she persisted.\u00a0 Later, I found out that she was a kleptomaniac.
\n\u2022 I worked in a very busy emergency room and when the pubs closed, there was always a long line in the ER.\u00a0 There were even extra mattresses in the waiting area for these people.\u00a0 One patient was incoherent, so I injected a medication to reverse the effects of alcohol.\u00a0 He was furious. He said he lost his \u201cbuzz\u201d and I had ruined his whole evening.
\n\u2022 I dressed early in the morning, in the dark and discovered when I got to the office that I had one purple shoe and one brown shoe.\u00a0 This changed the whole spirit of the office.\u00a0 Both the patients and the staff were lighter and more cheerful.
\n\u2022 It was the end of a long day and I turned out the lights in the waiting room as I prepared to leave.\u00a0 A patient shouted, \u201cHey wait doc, I\u2019m still here \u2013 I\u2019ve waited over two hours\u201d.\u00a0 The patient had signed it.\u00a0 The front desk personnel had missed the name on the ledger.
\n\u2022 A patient had hemorrhoids and received suppositories as a treatment.\u00a0 On a return visit, he stated that he was worse.\u00a0 When I rechecked him, a suppository was still in place with the foil wrapping still on.
\n\u2022 When I first began practice, I was a single, young female. I was about to see a male patient whom I had seen previously for a sexually transmitted disease.\u00a0 The nurse assumed that he was coming in for a follow up of this problem and had him undress from the waist down.\u00a0 In reality, he was complaining of a toe problem.\u00a0 The patient told all his friends that this unmarried, female doctor has her young male patients get undressed to see her.
\n\u2022 I was working the ER as a resident when a lady came in with a circular burn across her buttocks with the anus at the center.\u00a0 It seems she was using a public restroom when she noticed that the only seat not taken was a metallic appearing opening with no seat cover.\u00a0 It turned out to be the vent from the coal furnace.
\n\u2022 During one of our evening clinic sessions, several of the residents decided to pull a practical joke on one of the interns.\u00a0 We had a stripper pose as a patient with a sprained ankle.\u00a0 All of the residents were crowded behind a two-way mirror of one of the examination rooms waiting to see the spectacle.\u00a0 The intern wanted to be nice to the patient and not have her walk all the way down the hall the end examination room where we were all waiting, so he took her into a closer room that had no mirror.\u00a0 Our joke backfired on us.
\n\u2022 One of my partners was a doctor who occasionally mixed up his words and used the wrong word for the wrong thing.\u00a0 He had seen an elderly hospitalized patient and had admitted her to the nursing home.\u00a0 He called her son to report on her progress and told him, \u201cI saw your mom last night in the hospital and then again this morning at the funeral home.\u00a0 She\u2019s looking much better.\u201d
\n\u2022 I was called, as senior resident on the medicine team, to see an admission at 2:00 AM.\u00a0 She had been admitted to a room with three other patients.\u00a0 She had come in from a nursing home with a urinary tract infection and dementia.\u00a0 I went to the bed with a light on and found a very pleasant lady who told me she was being discharged in the morning.\u00a0 I thought that she was really demented and proceeded to do a full physical examination.\u00a0 I ordered labs and when the tech came to draw the blood, he went to a different patient in the room.\u00a0 It turns out that I had been examining the wrong patient and the patient I examined was being discharged that morning.
\n\u2022 I had a student working with me when we looked at x-rays.\u00a0 He asked about one x-ray, \u201cWhat is that, an elbow?\u201d\u00a0 He was looking at a mammogram.
\n\u2022 I was on a live radio talk show when someone asked me what caused Lyme disease.\u00a0 I said it was caused by the bite of a teer dick. Everyone roared with laughter.
\n<\/a>
\nPREGNANCY<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 I was at the end of a very busy clinic day and didn\u2019t realize that a patient was still waiting in the far room of the office.\u00a0 I left the clinic and was paged after I was 30 miles from the clinic.\u00a0 I spoke to the patient and promised to see her the next day.\u00a0 She was one of my favorite patients and happened to be pregnant at the time.\u00a0 I baked her some brownies as an apology.\u00a0 The very next week her diabetes screen came back positive.\u00a0 She jokingly blamed me for the diabetes since I gave her brownies.
\n\u2022 I was doing a delivery and as the head crowned, I noticed a bad deformity in the head.\u00a0 I called in the pediatric team to handle this problem.\u00a0 As they arrived, the hole in the head moved.\u00a0 It turned out to be a face presentation.\u00a0 The baby was fine.
\n\u2022 I was moonlighting in the ER when a young lady presented with constipation and abdominal pains.\u00a0 She was crowning, so I delivered her baby.\u00a0 She denied ever having intercourse or being pregnant.\u00a0 Even after the baby was delivered, she continued to deny that she could have been pregnant.\u00a0 I did cure her constipation.
\n\u2022 During my residency, I did an overseas rotation to get extra OB experience.\u00a0 The language and customs were foreign to me.\u00a0 The training was overseen by a nurse midwife.\u00a0 On my first delivery, I got ready to deliver the crowning head and sat back on the stool.\u00a0 The midwife had removed the stool since everyone delivered babies standing up.\u00a0 I fell over backward and the baby was caught by the midwife.
\n\u2022 I had been up all night delivering babies during my residency.\u00a0 I was examining a patient the next day and fell asleep with my head on the fetoscope.\u00a0 I jerked awake which startled the mother.\u00a0 She assumed something was wrong with her baby.
\n\u2022 I was working the labor and delivery floor when I noticed a woman step off the elevator.\u00a0 Her pajama pants leg was moving.\u00a0 She had just delivered a baby on the elevator.
\n\u2022 My patient was a 16 year old pregnant girl who lived with her parents about 45 minutes from the hospital.\u00a0 Her father drove her to the hospital when she went into labor.\u00a0 They only got about half way to the hospital when she had a precipitous delivery in the car.\u00a0 Her father didn\u2019t know what to do about the placenta or umbilical cord, but knew that alcohol was a disinfectant.\u00a0 He therefore drenched everything in beer.
\n\u2022 I was precepting a 3rd year resident when he presented a 30 year old patient he was very concerned about.\u00a0 She was in for an employment physical and he found a large, smooth mass in her abdomen that extended above the umbilicus.\u00a0 I asked for a differential and he gave me multiple possibilities.\u00a0 I then asked what was the most common abdominal mass in a young female.\u00a0 He said pregnancy, but this lady was told she could never have children.\u00a0 We went in to examine the patient and heard fetal heart sounds.\u00a0 The lady was so happy she had to be restrained from running out in her gown to tell her husband in the waiting room.
\n\u2022 I had a patient with pre-eclampsia who was being treated with Pitocin\u00ae and magnesium.\u00a0 She had developed a cough from pulmonary edema and begged me for something for her cough.\u00a0 During one of her coughing spells, she delivered the baby in the bed.\u00a0 With the next cough, she shot the placenta across the room.\u00a0 She said, \u201cSee doc, I told you I needed something for my cough.\u201d
\n\u2022 I was delivering a baby and gave the parents the happy news that it was a boy.\u00a0 The father immediately asked, \u201cIs he circumcised?\u201d
\n\u2022 My patient was a multiparous female who told me at the first prenatal visit that she didn\u2019t want an episiotomy.\u00a0 I told her that was OK since it usually wasn\u2019t needed.\u00a0 At every prenatal visit, she would remind me that she didn\u2019t want an episiotomy.\u00a0 During delivery, with the baby crowning, she sat up and said to me, \u201cno episiotomy\u201d.\u00a0 I guess she didn\u2019t want an episiotomy.
\n\u2022 I was assisting a couple with a birth, her second child but the first with her new husband.\u00a0 He had seemed somewhat knowledgeable during the prenatal visits, but seemed overly anxious as the labor progressed.\u00a0 Many times I had to reassure him.\u00a0 When the baby appeared, he looked horrified.\u00a0 \u201cMy God,\u201d he said, \u201cWhat happened? She was supposed to look like her mother, but instead looks like me.\u201d\u00a0 I again looked at the baby who had the typical squashed face and somewhat flattened nose of a newborn, and a thick head of dark hair.\u00a0 She did look like her dad who had a think head of dark hair and a prominent flat nose.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have the heart to tell him that her appearance would change over the next few days.\u00a0 Luckily, she continues to resemble her dad as she has grown into a charming and bright little girl.
\n<\/a>
\nKIDS DO AND SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 A mother brought her child in with \u201csomething hanging out of his butt\u201d.\u00a0 On examination, I found a three foot long piece of string hanging from his anus.\u00a0 He denied everything, of course.\u00a0 His sibling finally confessed to challenging him to eat dental floss.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t pull the string out, so I just cut it off.\u00a0 He later passed two more feet of dental floss.
\n\u2022 A physician was attempting to educate a patient when he realized that the patient\u2019s 3 year old daughter was tapping on his leg.\u00a0 When he turned his attention to the child, she said, \u201cI have a blue pen\u201d.\u00a0 She had been using his pant leg as her drawing board. Neither the mother nor the doctor had noticed.\u00a0 This was a great way to start an afternoon of patient care.
\n\u2022 I was ruing the fact that some of my medical students were not born yet when I graduated medical school.\u00a0 I went in to examine a 4 year old and sat on the base of the examining table to be at the patient\u2019s level.\u00a0 Her very assertive 18 month old sister sat down beside me and used her butt to move me off the step.\u00a0 She was showing that I was in her seat.\u00a0 The children have a way of bringing you back to earth.\u00a0 Even as old and wise as I am, this little one showed me my place in the hierarchy of her family.
\n\u2022 The chief complaint on the chart of a 4 year old was \u201csat on a duck\u201d.\u00a0 As I walked into the room, I noticed a bath towel on his bottom, soaked in blood.\u00a0 He had a 3- 4 cm stellate laceration of his gluteus.\u00a0 I asked what happened.\u00a0 Mom said she heard a thump and then a hideous scream.\u00a0 He had slipped and fell onto a porcelain duck towel holder.\u00a0 I could see a foreign body in the wound.\u00a0 When I pulled it out, it was a beak.\u00a0 Mom said, \u201csee, the duck bit you\u201d.\u00a0 I had performed a beakectomy.
\n\u2022 I was examining a child\u2019s ankle and noticed his McDonald\u2019s toys lying on the floor.\u00a0 I mentioned that he must like going to McDonald\u2019s.\u00a0 He asked, \u201cHow do you know that from looking at my ankle?\u201d
\n\u2022 I was alone in a rural practice on a weekend when a patient with a laceration needed to have stitches.\u00a0 She brought her 2 year old child with her.\u00a0 As I was placing the stitches, she turned white and fainted.\u00a0 At the same time, the phone rang and the baby started crying. I managed to deal with all the crises without much trouble.\u00a0 When she returned the next week for suture removal, the child said, \u201cOh, is mommy going to sleep again?\u201d
\n\u2022 I was doing acute care when I saw a child with an abscess on her face.\u00a0 She was sitting in her grandmother\u2019s lap and when I touched the abscess, it exploded.\u00a0 It caught me by surprise and I got some on my face.\u00a0 The grandmother remarked, \u201cYou have to know when to keep your mouth shut.\u201d\u00a0 I saw the same child the next month and she remembered me.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re the doctor who got pus in his mouth.\u201d
\n<\/a>
\nLESSONS LEARNED FROM PATIENTS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 I was seeing a female patient with vaginal warts who wanted these removed.\u00a0 As I glanced through her chart, I noticed that she had seen the head of gynecology in the past for the same problem.\u00a0 I asked her why she hadn\u2019t gone back to this doctor since I knew him to be very competent.\u00a0 She stated that she didn\u2019t feel comfortable going back to see him since he had done some \u201cweird\u201d things to her at the last visit.\u00a0 She stated that he \u201cblew in her vagina\u201d.\u00a0 As I got the full story, it turns out that the doctor was using liquid nitrogen to freeze warts at the vagina introitus.\u00a0 When the very cold liquid nitrogen touched the warm, wet vaginal environment, it caused a fog to form.\u00a0 The doctor was blowing the fog out of the way in order to get a proper view for further treatment.\u00a0 When I explained this to the patient, she felt embarrassed but also laughed at her misinterpretation of the events.\u00a0 It taught me to always explain what I\u2019m doing and why to every patient.
\n\u2022 I would rather admire the resilience of some of my patients than relate a humorous story.\u00a0 These patients deal with adversity on a daily basis and impress me every time I see them.\u00a0 They make my troubles seem trivial.\u00a0 The 40 year old mother of four with severe anorexia\/bulimia and anxiety disorder.\u00a0 The 45 year old blind diabetic man with a teenage daughter.\u00a0 The capital crimes lawyer going through a difficult divorce and depression.\u00a0 The mother of four children – one with Cerebral Palsy, another with a learning disability, and young twins.\u00a0 These are just a small sampling of patients who have a lot more to deal with than I do.
\n\u2022 A patient was admitted with a very low sodium, confusion, and hallucinations.\u00a0 The low sodium was corrected slowly and everyone expected the patient to improve.\u00a0 However, she continued to have hallucinations.\u00a0 She insisted that there was a bug on the ceiling but no one paid attention to her protests.\u00a0 The doctor looked up to the ceiling and there was a large wolf spider on the ceiling.\u00a0 The doctor got a chair, climbed up and removed the spider.\u00a0 The patient was fine then and had no more \u201challucinations\u201d.\u00a0 Always listen to the patient and give them the benefit of any doubt.
\n\u2022 A female patient was admitted for a D & C.\u00a0 The next day she was to be discharged, but complained of being unable to swallow and that food got \u201cstuck\u201d.\u00a0 An NG tube was passed and the problem seemed to be abated.\u00a0 When the NG was pulled out, round worms were stuck on the tube.\u00a0 Patients can have more than one unrelated problem.
\n\u2022 An elderly man\u2019s wife died.\u00a0 He missed her, but what really upset him was his regret at all the years he worked while she house cleaned, made the food, and treated him like the most important person in the world and he never told her every day how great she was.\u00a0 Tell the loved ones in your life how much you cherish them.
\n\u2022 I had an elderly patient in the office who was doing well but seemed slightly confused.\u00a0 I thought this might be early dementia, so I ordered several lab tests.\u00a0 His sodium came back a very low 110.\u00a0 Patients can tolerate very abnormal labs if this occurs over a long period of time.
\n\u2022 My patient was a fundamentalist church member who felt great guilt at wanting to attend a dance.\u00a0 This bothered him so much that he finally asked for a referral to a counselor.\u00a0 He stopped seeing the counselor and his reason was that he needed to find someone with the same religious background as he had, like his doctor.\u00a0 We had never discussed my religious beliefs.\u00a0 Patients can assume more than you realize.
\n\u2022 As a student, I was diligently going through the review of systems with a 61 year old female patient.\u00a0 She had just told me she had had a hysterectomy.\u00a0 My next question was, \u201cwhat do you do for birth control?\u201d\u00a0 As students, many times we do our exams by rote and never stop to think.
\n\u2022 When I was a resident, I was caring for a patient in her mid 60s with a brain tumor.\u00a0 There was a lot of family strife and disagreements about her care.\u00a0 I went to the family home on a weekend to have a conference about placement in a nursing home.\u00a0 I finally convinced everyone to admit her to a nursing home and called the emergency room to let them know she was coming in.\u00a0 An hour later she got to the emergency room dead on arrival.\u00a0 She simply gave up.\u00a0 This type of event has happened multiple times.
\n\u2022 A patient of mine was pregnant with her 4th child.\u00a0 Her labor came on quickly, so her very excited neighbor called the ambulance to transport her.\u00a0 They took her to the nearest hospital, which was not a hospital where I had privileges.\u00a0 She wanted me to deliver the baby, so I was called at home.\u00a0 She was only 3 centimeters, but the hospital was very concerned about transferring her.\u00a0 I drove to the hospital and then drove the patient myself to the other hospital where I delivered a healthy baby.\u00a0 The mother still tells this story and laughs about it.\u00a0 Some patients are so faithful that they\u2019ll go through anything to keep their doctor.
\n\u2022 I did a house call on a female patient with a fungating breast cancer.\u00a0 The house was very plain looking on the outside but was very ornate and expensively furnished on the inside.\u00a0 There were more bedrooms than one would expect.\u00a0 It turns out my patient was the local madam.\u00a0 You can discover a lot that you didn\u2019t know about a patient when you make a house call.
\n\u2022 Patients have varied backgrounds and beliefs.\u00a0 One patient gave me the following advice. \u201cWhen you are faced with a tough decision, just ask yourself – what would the druids do?\u201d
\n\u2022 I was caring for an Amish woman who was pregnant.\u00a0 Her last baby was delivered by C-section, so I discussed with her the procedure of a VBAC and all the ramifications of this.\u00a0 She and her husband asked mostly questions about the costs of all the options.\u00a0 They decided on a repeat C-section, since this was actually the least costly of all options.\u00a0 I decided not to charge a physician\u2019s fee.\u00a0 The next day, the husband gave me a gift in a brown paper bag.\u00a0 It contained an orange and three cookies.\u00a0 For several hours work, I had received an orange and three cookies.\u00a0 However, I realized that they had given me a good portion of all the possessions they had.
\n\u2022 I had an obese lady who stated that she had tried everything to lose weight, but couldn\u2019t seem to lose even a pound.\u00a0 She claimed to follow diets religiously.\u00a0 I finally diagnosed the problem when I spoke to the patient\u2019s roommate.\u00a0 It seemed that no matter what diet she was on, she always ate one quart of ice cream every night.
\n\u2022 As a student working the ER in an indigent part of town, I was very proud of my achievements and ability to speak the medical language.\u00a0 I entered the room of a young lady who had the symptoms of a venereal disease and began to take a history.\u00a0 I asked when she last had intercourse, but she didn\u2019t understand what I meant.\u00a0 I then asked about her last sexual congress.\u00a0 She asked, \u201cWith a senator?\u201d\u00a0 I finally took another approach. I asked if she had a boyfriend, she did.\u00a0 I asked what she did with him.\u00a0 She stated that she borrowed his car a lot and drove around.\u00a0 I finally asked if they did anything close or intimate.\u00a0 She answered, \u201cWe screw a lot\u201d.\u00a0 I learned to speak the language the patient understands.
\n\u2022 As an intern, I was called by the ER to admit an inebriated patient who couldn\u2019t be sent home.\u00a0 I knew that if I waited until all the paperwork was done and the patient was taken to the floor, that I would get no more sleep this night.\u00a0 So, I went to the ER, did the history and physical examination, and took the patient up to the floor myself.\u00a0 I was awakened a few minutes later by the ER asking why I had never come to see the patient.\u00a0 I had admitted the wrong inebriated patient.\u00a0 The first patient was very happy to have a bed to sleep in.\u00a0 I got no sleep that night since I had to admit the first patient.\u00a0 It taught me that haste does make waste.
\n<\/a>
\nWILD KINGDOMS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 I was working in the emergency room in the Midwest, when a patient came in with a very messy and strange bite wound to his leg.\u00a0 He stated this was a \u201clion bite\u201d.\u00a0 Having never seen one before, I asked him to explain.\u00a0 It turns out that the local grocery store displayed wild animals raised from cubs to attract customers.\u00a0 This patient was an artist asked to paint pictures of the animals.\u00a0 He was petting the male lion when the female grabbed his leg to get his attention.\u00a0 The artist slapped her muzzle to make her let go and she chomped his calf.
\n\u2022 A patient came to the office complaining of a \u201cbug\u201d in her ear.\u00a0 I looked in the ear canal, but couldn\u2019t determine what I was seeing.\u00a0 It turned out to be the eye of a moth looking back at me.
\n\u2022 I was called to a scene where a man had been attacked by a mountain lion.\u00a0 It was late at night as I arrived at the scene and parked beside the only vehicle present.\u00a0 As I got out of the car thinking about the big cat, the lion roared and lunged.\u00a0 It turns out that the patient had captured the lion as it jumped into the cab of his truck and he closed the doors on it.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know it was trapped in the cab of the truck.\u00a0 It was a memorable night.
\n\u2022 A friend cut his leg with a chain saw while we were camping in a cabin far from any medical facility.\u00a0 He sedated himself with margaritas and I sewed him up on the kitchen table.
\n\u2022 I was a resident in the emergency room when a mother brought her son in after a bee sting.\u00a0 The mother stated that the son was allergic to pollen and she was worried that the bee may have had pollen on its feet when it stung her son.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t worried about the bee sting, but wanted him checked for pollen allergy.
\n\u2022 In my rural practice, I had a patient who lived in a lean-to against a rock formation and collected rattlesnakes.\u00a0 He dressed like a mountain man.\u00a0 One day he was berry picking and found a rattlesnake, but decided it was too small to keep.\u00a0 On the way back from berry picking, he reconsidered and picked up the snake, which immediately bit him on the forearm.\u00a0 He pulled it off and the snake bit him on the thumb.\u00a0 He shook it off and it landed on his abdomen where it bit him the third time.\u00a0 He decided to lie down in the cold river to \u201cslow down his metabolism\u201d and was found by a passing trucker.\u00a0 He did fine with treatment and was able to return to his \u201cline of work\u201d.
\n<\/a>
\nSTOICS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 Some patients will go through great pains not to bother the doctor.\u00a0 One elderly lady fell during the night and fractured her hip.\u00a0 She was found by her daughter the next morning, lying on the floor beside the phone.\u00a0 When asked why she didn\u2019t call, the patient stated that she didn\u2019t want to bother the doctor at home and was waiting until the office opened.
\n\u2022 Some patients, especially farmers, have a tremendous work ethic.\u00a0 An elderly patient of mine came in on an urgent basis for the first appointment of the day.\u00a0 She was having her first episode of supraventricular tachycardia.\u00a0 She was very weak and short of breath.\u00a0 When asked when this began, she responded \u201cfour hours ago\u201d.\u00a0 When asked why she didn\u2019t come in sooner, her answer was that the hogs needed to be slopped first.\u00a0 This lady had done her chores with a heart rate of 180.
\n\u2022 I was doing a home visit on a diabetic patient who complained of pain in his foot.\u00a0 As I removed his shoe to examine his foot, I saw the problem.\u00a0 He had a nail in his shoe that was poking into his foot.\u00a0 Yes, diabetics really do need to check their feet and shoes daily.
\n\u2022 A grandmother (over 50 years old) wanted to breastfeed her granddaughter after her daughter returned to work, so she pumped her breasts daily.\u00a0 After about a month, she could produce about a cup of breast milk per day.\u00a0 This just goes to show that the well never runs dry.
\n\u2022 I asked a male patient to urinate in a cup and he responded, \u201cNo problem, my wife has me do this all the time\u201d.\u00a0 I was a little intrigued, so I asked him to explain.\u00a0 It seems that his wife used human urine around her plants to keep the deer away.\u00a0 They collected the urine in a carafe.\u00a0 He called this \u201cpee Chablis\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was a third year student on a Urology rotation.\u00a0 The patient had renal cell carcinoma and was in the ICU recovering from a nephrectomy.\u00a0 He awoke and began trying to pull out his Foley catheter.\u00a0 The nurses came to the bed side to stop him and he asked, \u201cWhere am I, Hugh Hefner\u2019s mansion?\u201d
\n\u2022 My 94 year old, former nurse patient was developing dementia.\u00a0 She always complained that she didn\u2019t want to live to be 100 and couldn\u2019t understand why she was still living.\u00a0 Yet, she was the most compliant patient I had and always took all her medications
\n\u2022 A 4 x 4 rider was not using his lights at night when he hit a deer and was thrown off his vehicle.\u00a0 He stated he was going over 40 mph.\u00a0 He was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing.\u00a0 His mother brought him in to be checked out.\u00a0 His father was still out in the field skinning out the deer.
\n\u2022 I had a student with me when I went in to see one of my patients who has multiple degrees, 13 patents, and a large farm where he raises award winning cattle.\u00a0 He was dressed like a farmer.\u00a0 The student was trying to be social and asked him what type of cattle he raised.\u00a0 His answer was, \u201cblack ones\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was working the ER at a Marine base during my first week as an intern.\u00a0 When I walked in to see a patient, he immediately came to attention.\u00a0 I asked what his problem was.\u00a0 He said, \u201cBelly pain, sir and fever, sir.\u201d I asked why he didn\u2019t sit down.\u00a0 He stated that a Marine never sits in the company of an officer.\u00a0 He turned out to have a ruptured appendix.
\n\u2022 A young man had cut his knee with a saw, but didn\u2019t want to bother the doctor so he sewed it up himself.\u00a0 Days later, when the cut became very infected, he came in for treatment.\u00a0 I told him that I applauded his initiative, but this wasn\u2019t how we usually sewed up cuts.\u00a0 He had used a straight needle and carpet thread.
\n\u2022 An elderly gentleman presented complaining of shoulder problems.\u00a0 When I asked him to explain his symptoms, he stated that a week ago he could get his arms all the way up to here (he raised his arms all the way up above his head to demonstrate), but now, they will only go to here (he dropped his arms down to 90 degrees of abduction).\u00a0 I had to leave the room so I wouldn\u2019t laugh in front of the patient.
\n<\/a>
\nMISCELLANEOUS<\/strong><\/span>
\n\u2022 My patient had recently had breast augmentation done.\u00a0 As she waited on the table in a gown, she flashed the doc to show off her new breasts.
\n\u2022 A patient wanted narcotics, so presented with the symptoms of a kidney stone.\u00a0 His urine had flecks of blood, but the dipstick was negative for blood.\u00a0 On closer examination, the red flecks in the urine were catsup.
\n\u2022 My office manager had recently divorced and sometimes used her lunch break to take her laundry to the laundromat across the street.\u00a0 One day her clothes weren\u2019t there when she returned to pick them up.\u00a0 We took up a collection in the office to help her replace her clothes.\u00a0 Several days later the office manager came to me and informed me that her clothes were in the waiting room.\u00a0 I asked if some Good Samaritan had returned them.\u00a0 She replied, \u201cNo, one of your patients is wearing them\u201d.\u00a0 We called the police.
\n\u2022 I have never lost my amazement of patients who have things stuck in various orifices that are very foul smelling, but the patient is totally unaware of the object.
\n\u2022 A 17 year old female patient of mine came in to see me with a fractured elbow.\u00a0 She was accompanied by her large, burly boyfriend, and I immediately suspected partner abuse.\u00a0 She told me that they were watching wrestling and were rooting for a wrestler who had just used an elbow smash on his opponent.\u00a0 She thought she\u2019d try that on her boyfriend and elbow smashed him on top of the head.\u00a0 Her boyfriend was fine.
\n\u2022 I was seeing an African American male in the ER with bright red rectal bleeding.\u00a0 I needed to do a rectal exam, but he refused because I was a female.\u00a0 I offered to get a male supervising resident, but told him that this male\u2019s finger was much larger than mine.\u00a0 The patient thought about this for a while and then said, \u201cI guess it\u2019s OK for a woman to do my rectal\u201d.
\n\u2022 I was going to the bathroom down the hall from a University clinic and happened to stand next to a prisoner.\u00a0 I felt badly for him since he was elderly and in chains.\u00a0 I asked, \u201cWhat are you in for pops?\u201d\u00a0 He stated that he shot a man who was trying to kick his door in.\u00a0 Then, when the man tried to get away, he ran after him and shot him twice more.\u00a0 My empathy for him drained away quickly as I thought, \u201cPops, you\u2019re right where you belong\u201d.
\n\u2022 I had a patient who claimed to be an undercover agent for the FBI and admitted himself under an assumed name.\u00a0 After discharge, his HIV result came back positive, but we couldn\u2019t locate him because we didn\u2019t know his real name or address.\u00a0 When he was admitted again several months later, we finally told him the results.\u00a0 He was very upset because he assumed he was negative since he never received a call telling him of the results.\u00a0 We never could document any type of actual employment.
\n\u2022 I had an elderly patient with an artificial valve who I saw for frequently for routine care. I had gotten to know her well and always gave her a hug.\u00a0 When I went on vacation, I transferred her care to another physician, but told him he had to hug her in my place.\u00a0 When he saw her, he told her that he was seeing her for me and was supposed to hug her for me.\u00a0 She stated that she had been waiting for that hug.
\n\u2022 I was chief of the medical staff and attended many formal functions.\u00a0 On the way to one function, I was called for a pregnant lady delivering at 32 weeks gestation.\u00a0 I sent my wife on ahead with the drink, meal, and raffle tickets and I went to stabilize the mother and baby.\u00a0 The personnel at the function would not allow my wife to use the tickets since the doc wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 I guess the prestige of chief of staff doesn\u2019t transfer to my wife.\u00a0 Four years later this same child had an incarcerated hernia and this kept me from a hospital picnic.\u00a0 The \u201cchild\u201d graduated with honors years later but kept the distinction of being the patient who kept me from more engagements than any other patient.
\n<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

FORWARD These are stories from the memories of physicians in practice.\u00a0 Most are humorous patient related stories but some are told to make a learned…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-24","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/24","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24"}],"version-history":[{"count":33,"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/24\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":169,"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/24\/revisions\/169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wisdomoftheageds.info\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}